I think it’s safe to say I recently experienced what some might call a “dark night of the soul.” I wish it had been just a night, but it’s felt more like an extended stay, stretching over the past few months. And while it would be easy to blame the current climate of noise and negativity, that feels way too simple.
Almost a year ago, I packed my life into five boxes and two suitcases, leaving behind a place I called “home” for 38 years to return to where I grew up. And as a friend reminded me, I was walking back into old memories and past pain.
And yes, that’s exactly what I did—but this time, it was different. Rather than sweeping the past under the rug, I, as one of my clients once put it, “kissed my monster on the nose.” It wasn’t easy, but I knew it was an important part of my growth and healing.
Did this life transition open the door for that long dark night to settle in? Maybe.
But I think that darkness came from something deeper. Not that healing from old wounds isn’t deep; this was just, well...different.
This time, I chose not to push the darkness away — though, I admit, there were a few Gossip Girl binge sessions that served as breaks. But mostly, I let it sit beside me, feeling its weight, trying to understand it, learn from it.
I figured it had something to teach me, and I wanted to know what that was.
For the past few months, my journal, usually my place of awareness and comfort, offered few answers. That was until November 10th, when a question popped into my head during my morning meditation, “What does it mean to show up?”
This question felt pivotal - like it held the answer to understanding why I was sitting with the dark.
So, I grabbed my journal and here’s what came out on the pages:
This question sort of scares me. I’m guessing because I’m feeling some resistance. Resistance to diving into it. Maybe I fear I’ll realize that I haven’t always shown up. That’s not new news.
Honestly, I have more to gain by answering than I do to lose. So, what does it mean to show up?
The first thing that comes up—not being afraid to be seen as my most authentic self—which is so important to me now more than ever. That feels like the foundation to showing up.
For most of my life, I’ve not shown up as me out of fear of judgment and criticism. It actually was more of a reality than a fear, because it was my reality for so long. I spent a long-time allowing others’ judgments, opinions, and criticisms squash my soul and impact my choice not to show up as me.
And the reality is, their judgments and criticisms were just projections of what was happening internally for them. I suspect it was a way for them to mask their own insecurities and fears.
While I spent a lot of time as a pretzel or a chameleon, it wasn’t time lost. It was a time of learning. Learning that led me here, because I’ve broken the cycle of not showing up for me as me.
Thanks to what I know about the brain and neuroscience, I’m more aware than ever before why the cycle started in the first place. It stemmed from an outdated survival mechanism. As “tribal beings” dating back to our prehistoric ancestry, to be a part of a tribe was to ensure safety. Potentially unhappy but safe, nonetheless.
So, yes showing up as myself felt like I was “bucking the norm.” and setting myself up for criticism and judgment.
And while it kept me connected to people who weren’t my tribe, it created a chasm of disconnect from someone that was my tribe. Me.
So, what does it mean to show up?
It means having the faith and the courage to be myself—who I am, as I am.
Knowing that while I may encounter people who don’t get me, that’s OK. There are and will be people that do get me. And by showing up for myself, I’m able to show up for others in a deeper way—empowering them to do the same, to see themselves as they are – capable and unstoppable.
That journal entry shifted something in me, reconnecting me with not just myself but with my purpose: to empower others, helping them build confidence in who they are (as they are) and what they’re capable of.
While sitting with the dark wasn’t fun, I’m grateful for the reconnection it brought as a result.
And as I continue showing up as me, I’m inviting you to ask yourself this question: What would it look like for you to show up fully as you?
Think of it as a gentle nudge—a question meant to stir your heart more than your mind. Imagine a life where you no longer have to “fit in” but instead belong, just as you are.
There’s a profound freedom in knowing that those who truly connect with you will always find you, but only if you’re brave enough to be seen as the person you truly are.
So, what would it look like if you let go of the pretzel shapes, the disguises, and simply…showed up?
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