Have you ever felt like you were walking a tightrope, trying to be just the right amount of something? Not too loud, but not invisible. Ambitious, but not intimidating. Caring, but not overbearing.
If so, you’re not alone. So many of us wrestle with this balancing act, caught between the fear of being “too much” and the worry of being “not enough.” It’s exhausting trying to fit into a mold that keeps shifting.
For me, those fears started young. I grew up hearing plenty of criticism, and it didn’t take long for “not good enough” to take root in my head. I spent so much energy ensuring people liked me—walking on eggshells, afraid that if I didn’t measure up to some impossible standard, I’d lose their approval. It felt like my worth depended on being just right in everyone else’s eyes.
That belief didn’t magically disappear as I got older. It followed me into adulthood, slipping quietly into my choices. I settled when it came to friendships and romantic relationships because, deep down, I didn’t think I deserved better.
And here’s the kicker: while I was afraid of being “not enough,” I was equally afraid of being “too much.”
Take sharing wins, for example. Even now, I find it hard to celebrate my accomplishments without worrying about coming across as full of myself. Back then, I felt like I was constantly stuck in this tug-of-war—wanting to succeed but terrified that success might make me less relatable, less lovable, or, worse, too much for people to handle.
I’ll never forget a conversation I had with my first mentor coach about 18 years ago. We were talking about success, and I blurted out that I was afraid of “becoming too big for my britches.” Even as I said it, I knew how ridiculous it sounded, but the fear felt real. What if achieving great things somehow made me lose touch with the people around me? What if it made me unlikable?
Looking back, I can see how much those fears held me back. But learning about the brain changed everything. Understanding how our thoughts impact how we feel and our actions—and how those patterns can be rewired—was a game-changer. That’s one of the reasons I fell in love with neuroscience and the brain-body connection. It gave me the tools to break free from the beliefs that had been running the show for so long.
The Neuroscience of ‘Too Much’ and ‘Not Enough’
Speaking of neuroscience, did you know your brain is wired to keep you safe? The fear of being judged or rejected isn’t just in your head—it’s hardwired into your biology.
For our ancestors, belonging to the group was a matter of survival, so anything that threatened that sense of connection felt life-threatening. That’s why criticism—whether it’s about being “not good enough” or “too much”—can feel so overwhelming, even when it’s not intentional.
Here’s what’s happening under the surface: when we fear judgment, the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for detecting threats, jumps into action. It sends out warning signals, activating the stress response and putting us on high alert. That’s why the fear of criticism can lead to second-guessing and even freezing up in the moment.
But here’s the good news: you don’t have to stay stuck in these patterns. With a few intentional practices, you can rewire your brain and teach it a new way to respond.
Intentional Practices to Experiment With
Pause the Inner Alarm System
When fear of judgment kicks in, your amygdala is on overdrive. The quickest way to calm it is by engaging your parasympathetic nervous system—your body’s “rest and digest” mode. Deep, controlled breathing is a simple but powerful tool:
Inhale for a count of four.
Hold for a count of four.
Exhale slowly for a count of six.
This activates your vagus nerve, signaling to your brain that you’re safe. Over time, this practice can help you interrupt the stress response and regain control.
Rewrite the Narrative The stories we tell ourselves shape how we think, feel, and act. When the “too much/not enough” loop starts playing, hit pause and challenge it:
What’s the evidence for this fear?
If I looked at this from a 10,000-foot view, what might I see differently?
By shifting from judgment to curiosity, you activate your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for rational thinking. This helps you step out of reactive patterns and see the bigger picture.
Use Visualization to Build Confidence
Your brain doesn’t always know the difference between what’s real and what’s vividly imagined. Use this to your advantage by visualizing yourself showing up confidently, for example. Picture the sights, sounds, and feelings of owning your space with ease.
Research shows that visualization activates the same neural pathways as actually performing the action. It’s like a rehearsal for confidence— strengthening those pathways every time you practice.
Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion isn’t just nice to have—it’s a game-changer. Studies show that treating yourself with kindness instead of criticism activates the brain’s soothing system, reducing stress and boosting resilience.
The next time you catch yourself spiraling, try this:
What would I say to a friend feeling this way?
How can I offer that same kindness to myself?
This simple shift quiets the inner critic and creates space for you to reconnect with your authentic self.
Take Up Space
Fear of being “too much” or “not enough” doesn’t just live in your mind—it shows up in your body. When we feel self-conscious, we unconsciously shrink: hunching our shoulders, avoiding eye contact, or making ourselves smaller.
But your body and brain are connected, and your posture can influence your emotions. Research shows that adopting an expansive posture—standing tall, with shoulders back and head held high—can boost your confidence and lower stress. It sends a signal to your brain: I’m safe. I belong. I deserve to be here.
Taking up space isn’t just about your physical presence—it’s a way to push back against those old fear loops and remind yourself of your worth. For more on the science behind how posture influences confidence, check out Amy Cuddy’s TED Talk on power posing—it’s a game-changer.
With practice, these small shifts help quiet the inner critic and make room for self-assurance to grow.
Your Turn: Stepping Off the Tightrope
What’s one thing you’ve been holding back on because you’re afraid of being “too much” or “not enough”? Maybe it’s speaking up in a meeting, sharing something you’re proud of, or trying something new without worrying about what others might think.
I know how constricting those feelings can be. But here’s the thing: you don’t have to fix everything overnight. Taking just one small step can start to rewrite those old patterns.
Every time you act despite the fear, you’re sending a powerful message to your brain: I don’t have to live by the “too much” or “not enough” script. And over time, those small steps add up. They build momentum and help you create a new, more empowering way of showing up.
So, what’s that first step for you? Maybe it’s as simple as speaking your mind in a meeting or letting yourself celebrate a win, no matter how small. Whatever it is, I’d love to hear about it. Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Because the more we talk about these fears—the ones that whisper we’re “too much” or “not enough”—the less power they have over us.
This is something I've struggled with forever. Primarily the feeling of not enough. I've not put myself out there for opportunities, like jobs, because I feared I didn't have what it took. When in hindsight, I was more than qualified. I'm so tired of doing that. So, I'm going to commit to stop reacting in fear. Instead, I'm going to think about all the reasons I'm good enough for something. Thank you for inspiring me to do so.